I just finished the book How We Love by Milan and Kay Yerkovich. I’ve heard Milan on New Life radio before and have appreciated a lot of his wisdom. He’s technically a “pastoral counselor” and his wife is the MFT.

This book came highly recommended and I can see why. There’s some really good stuff here for couples and relationships, and obviously marriage.

This book is pure genius when it comes to one theme in particular – and that pertains to how people or couples in relationship communicate with one another in the context of pain. As it relates to intimacy, this is skill/capacity numero uno.

It’s the most vital capacity for relationships and couples, but I’ve not come across really anything that specifically targets this arena to give the necessary theoretical and practical help they need. There are some really good marriage books out there, but this is the best relationship book I’ve read when it comes to helping people navigate the tough stuff that comes up in close relationships. Most books deal with things that only target things on the surface. They offer some some good principles and skills, but they don’t often help people take a hard look at the way their own pain and the way they manage it is helping or hindering their marriage or relationships.

There’s a section that walks you through a model of dialogue and connection that really is genius. It’s way better than a lot of the “reflective listening” stuff I’ve come across frequently (not that reflective listening is bad). The bulk of the book explores various “love” profiles which are helpful to understand the various dynamics and influences that affect loving. The book is strongly anchored in attachment theory. I track with attachment theory, but the only thing I struggled with the book is that the authors don’t always clearly differentiate when it is our love style influencing our behavior and when are we functioning out of personality or other influences. The examples come from their marriage counseling practices so they can often be extreme – but they illustrate the dynamics well.

If you’re married and have found yourself stuck at all, or you just want to go a little deeper and foster some deeper connection and intimacy, then I would recommend that you move this book to the top of your list. The only warning I’m going to give is that this is a book that requires you to really engage your life, your history, your past and that requires an emotional investment. But that’s one of the themes of the book – intimacy requires a healthy emotional investment that we’re all tempted to avoid in different ways.