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No Regrets?

by Beav on July 21, 2010

I don’t think I’ve ever gone soapbox on this blog before, but I’m going to break the norm.  The news that Cubs manager Lou Piniella retiring at the end of the season broke yesterday (Tuesday) and in his interviews on the topic he shared at some point how he had “no regrets” about how his time went even though he would have loved to have brought a championship to Chicago (which kind of qualifies as a regret to me, but that’s besides the point).  This is the same manager who called one of his players a “piece of s—” last year and at which point he apologized after the fact (another obvious regret).It got me thinking of a lot of people today – I’ve heard friends, music and movie starts in interviews, and read on blogs various philosophies of living that involve a “no regret” mentality.  On one hand there is a carpe diem, seize the day kind of vibe where people esteem adventure and risk and don’t want to regret not having lived more life as opposed to being a by standard.  I actually respect this kind of philosophy, even though I’m in a life stage where I’m exhausted from raising little kids.  Maybe I’ll call my philosophy “carpe couch” or “seize the couch” as that’s where I want to do after we get the kids to bed.  I digress.Seizing the day is great, but just as often as people affirm risk taking and adventure these people often, maybe half the time, also make a declaration that they don’t have any regrets about their lives.  After all, life is a journey and all the mistakes make up who you are and you’re a better person for it.I’ll just come out and say it – I think that’s a bunch of narcissistic nonsense.  You better have some regrets in this life or else you’re just not connected to your impact on the world around you.  These people will be the first to say, “We all make mistakes…”, but they also claim to not have regrets.There’s maybe a kernal of truth here, because there is some validity about the learning we do from mistakes and failure, but what about regrets when they pertain to times where we have wounded other people deeply or caused others pain through immaturity, ignorance, or malice?  Those would be “mistakes” at the least, but somehow there’s a solid contingent of peeps that argue that you should live without regrets.  I don’t subscribe to living as one trapped in the past, but to have to anoint your whole journey as “good” to validate where you are now is totally self-focused and demonstrates a total failure of good-bad integration.I’ve got regrets. I’ve got plenty of them.  And I think I’m a better person for emotionally being in touch with those regrets.  One of the things I like about my faith in Jesus Christ is that through that relationship I can be led to a deeper sadness and concern for things that I would love to do over or take back because of their impact on people and I also can be led to a liberating freedom in the present and for the future.  I can feel empathy and regret without condemnation and paralysis.To minimize the impact of your mistakes on others so you can feel good about where you are on your own “journey” is on the shallow side. Yes we learn through mistakes, but that doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t look back and wish that there was less carnage in the process.On a different note, in response to Lou’s retirement, I also had the reaction of having regret at watching as many of the Cub games this year as I did as I watched the team go into the flusher.  DVR technology saved me from many more hours of regret.Put aside my energy on this topic for a moment – have you experienced this pattern of thinking or observed it?  How do you navigate it?  How do you categorize or deal with “regrets” in your life?

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Tagged as: Maturity, Spirituality

  • carrie

    oh my goodness, bv!! i LOVE that you wrote on this topic! i've totally had the EXACT same thoughts and had discussions about the whole 'no regrets' thing with a couple of people. i think it's absurd as well, and just incongruent with other statements made (like you shared) and just incongruent with truth.I definitely see some of this in my field, although then there are others in my field (eg. some people struggling with addiction and feeling the consequences on their families and themselves) that may be very aware of deep regrets. But i always address it by emphasizing the fact that we need to remember truth. That in order to heal and move forward we have to acknowledge truth. and the truth is, we all have made poor choices, hurt people, hurt ourselves, made a wrong turn, oozed out our ugliness onto others in lots of different ways and this all is stuff we regret because we're living the consequences somehow. i agree with your 'kernel of truth' point because there is something to be said about the mistakes we've made and what we've learned from them really contributing to growth or who we are today, but we can't pretend we don't regret some decisions we've made or ways we've hurt others or wouldn't go back and change it if we could.Anyways, what an interesting topic. i think there's a lot more that could be explored with this mentality. i saw it in mexico as well. i love that you brought it up!!

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/BVirtue Beav

      want to talk to you more about the mexico piece…curious about how it looks in a different culture or paradigm

  • http://intensedebate.com/profiles/terij29 TJ Poon

    YES, thanks for posting this! I have had this exact thought and confusion. I had an email exchange with a person who described certain ways that she had hurt others in the course of her life and then, in a later email, proceeded to tell me she had no regrets about any of the decisions she'd made. I was flabbergasted.I think this is a refusal to deal honestly with reality, as there is maybe a kind of idol-status to this mantra of "no regrets." I think it's a cultural value of ours to say that we have no regrets about life, but as you pointed out, "to have to anoint your whole journey as 'good' to validate where you are now is totally self-focused and demonstrates a total failure of good-bad integration."I'm sure there's some semantics game to be played as well, perhaps as far as the difference between mistakes and regrets. Maybe to certain people "regret" implies a feeling of residual guilt or an unhealthy clinging to the past. But to say that you have nothing about your life that you wouldn't do differently if you had the opportunity is ridiculous. Dishonest at best, totally self-centered at worst. (Self-centered because the pain inflicted on others is seen simply as an unfortunate, but necessary, step in becoming the person you are now rather than straight-up sin.)I would like to ask the above-mentioned person what, specifically, she doesn't "regret" about the harm and pain she admittedly inflicted on others but I don't think that would be a productive conversation :) However, I'm with Carrie – I am seriously wondering what is going through peoples' minds when they make such incongruous statements.

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/BVirtue Beav

      I wonder if this originated in the 60's and hippie era actually where it became cool and cutting edge to reject responsibility and embrace a carefree lifestyle (often accompanied by some substance assistance of some sort). While I agree that a seize the day mentality is a positive – there's an aspect of stewardship to that to me in many ways, the no regrets as a measure in the context of looking back and evaluating your own choices and behavior is a rejection of responsibility. I even like when people say they want to live their lives without regrets (even though they will have them), because it communicates that they want to live couragous and passionate lives. I can get with that. But courageous and passionate should not be teamed with "denial" or "repression", but with responsibility.Thanks for the thoughts TJ – I'm glad I'm not the only one who had this hot button :)

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/nairdanairda Adrian.Pei

    Yeah, what you wrote brings to mind the lyric from "My Way": "Regrets, I've had a few / But then again, too few to mention / I did what I had to do / And saw it through without exemption." Not bashing on the song, because I actually like it. But it does say quite a few things about how our culture can view regrets. For one, that regrets are a sign of doubt or hesitation, or some other "weakness." Or maybe that they show a refusal to take responsibility or own up to the consequences of a difficult decision. But as you wrote, in both those cases, it's actually just the opposite that's true. The ability to look at oneself honestly and own up to failures is actually a sign of strength and maturity.

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/BVirtue Beav

      Adrian – love the music reference. That's classic. I had never really looked at the lyrics of that song before, but it's totally relevant. Great thoughts on how people view regrets as bad or as signs of weakness. In a spiritual sense, it's an indication of a lack of grace and acceptance of who they are. You can preserve your own self-righteousness if you don't admit that you really have blown it at points. Maturity is a product of responsibility – great thoughts man.

  • http://brianvirtue.org Beav

    Adrian – love the music reference. That's classic. I had never really looked at the lyrics of that song before, but it's totally relevant. Great thoughts on how people view regrets as bad or as signs of weakness. In a spiritual sense, it's an indication of a lack of grace and acceptance of who they are. You can preserve your own self-righteousness if you don't admit that you really have blown it at points. Maturity is a product of responsibility – great thoughts man.

  • http://www.infinitequeso.com/ Stephanie N.

    Ooo, I meant to comment on this last week, but then got distracted and forgot (such is my life.) But then I saw this article today and it reminded me about your post (which I, like the others, TOTALLY agree with!): http://marquee.blogs.cnn.com/2010/08/04/jennifer-…. It's called "Jennifer Lopez has no regrets."As a bonus, she also included one of my other major celebrity pet peeves in her interview: The "If you can dream it, you can do it" axiom. Her exact words were: "If you feel in your mind you can do it, you can do it." I'm sorry…call me cold-hearted or pessimistic, but that is simply not true. Have the initial audition episodes of "American Idol" taught us nothing?

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/BVirtue Beav

      so classic…it's so nice when people on top of the mountain say to everyone that if they dream it they can do it. I dreamed of playing major league baseball – wasn't meant to be. I also dreamed of being 6'5" so I could dunk – not meant to be. She's in the rich bubble that distorts her perception and awareness of the common person.

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