I have two siblings – two sisters. They are both younger. One of the thoughts I’ve had from time to time over the course of various family dynamics over time has been – “Why does it matter so much what I think?” Whether 5 years ago or 15, my sisters have always been quite capable people and it’s always confused me anytime there’s been some expressed concern or need to know what I think or have my approval. I’ve always considered myself to be the one who is a little “off” (perhaps “nutter” from my last post applies) in my family so it always sneaks up on me when my opinion has been assigned any weight to it beyond anyone else.I think some of this mystery has finally been solved as I observe my two kids and it has a bearing on identity formation – one of the themes of this blog.
My 2 1/2 year old son adores his 5 year old sister and I can see easily how as time progresses, what Morgan thinks about him will matter. There’s plenty of scholarship on birth order and common sense insights about having role models and examples in ones life. My insight is probably less refined and the least intellectual of all of what is brought to these discussions.Here it is: In Colin’s most formative years of life, Morgan’s always been there. Colin doesn’t know a universe without her, while Morgan was shaped significantly for a few years without another presence besides us parents. Colin’s sense of self and his understanding of life and the world has been developing with another significant and I might even say primary formative presence in his life every day – his sister.For Colin, Morgan has Hero status. She’s bigger, can do really cool things in his eyes, and she pays attention to him. Morgan will be shaped by Colin’s presence and relationship too over time, but I finally see how some of the dynamic is quite different. It doesn’t mean older brothers or sisters are better…it just means they were always there. It’s a subtle power dynamic of relationships though we usually don’t think of it that way. Power is something that people more often assign or ascribe and that’s some of what Colin clearly does with his older sister.Now I do believe that because this is a power dynamic in relationship, it can over time become either a healthy dynamic or a dysfunctional. Some elements of the relationship may always bear some marking of what was shaped in those early years, but that power ideally would grow into a more mutual dynamic. As a parent I love what I’m seeing in terms of what Morgan and Colin give to each other from their respective positions in the relationship and it will be interesting to see that develop more over time. But I marvel at how much influence Morgan has over Colin’s development and sense of self right now.The barriers to adult relationships in this context? My guess is one barrier is “oldest” children like me who take forever to understand some of the power that is given them at times by the younger siblings. Another barrier is perhaps the younger siblings taking a while to embrace their own adulthood and take responsibility for a mutual and healthy relationship.I began processing this not because of things going on in my own family origin of late, but because of watching repeated dynamics between Colin and Morgan. I find it fascinating for family application, but I also think these principles are true in various ministry or congregational settings. Discipleship relationships, leadership relationships, formal or informal mentor relationships all can reflect some of the same dynamics so that’s why I thought I’d take a trial run and air out some of these thoughts for now.Any thoughts on siblings and identity formation and how it might apply to leadership formation and development?
