Earlier this summer I was having a conversation with someone who was wanting some tips for coaching ministry teams and in particular in contexts where there might be some stress and pressure.
One of the things that I pay attention to when I’m coaching or mediating or facilitating communication on a team is the words that are used. One of my wife’s frequent sayings is that we all give ourselves away. I agree. And one of the way we do that is our vocabulary.This isn’t scientific of course, but one sign that there’s a lot of anger in someone or anger brewing is whether you start hearing consistent vocabulary that has an angry and overtly negative vibe or connotation. So phrases and words like “I hate…”, “I despise…”, “It was horrible…”, “That sucks…”, “I can’t stand…” and then more aggressive phrases like “jerk,” “loser,” and the like all provide a window.
I’m not saying all of these phrases are inappropriate all the time or making a statement on that front. I’m just saying that consistent vocabulary is one of the gateways to what’s in the heart and what kind of things are brewing inside. We’re in a society that for having a lot of negativity and anger, we’re generally uncomfortable acknowledging when we actually are angry. We avoid admitting things that feel negative or engaging that. So the more people can’t admit or get in touch with the angry they are feeling, the more it comes out in other ways.
So as a tip for mentoring, discipleship, or teamwork – pay attention to the kinds of words people use. If there’s a lot of negative words or angry words then chances are…there’s actual anger behind it. In this sense, we as people really are not that complicated. We are complicated in the ways we try to reassure ourselves that we are not angry when we actually are investing in a growing volcano within us.So here are a couple questions I’ve used in one-on-one or in team settings when the angry rhetoric merits an invitation to the light:”
Are you aware that you’re using a lot of language that has fairly angry and strong connotations? Is that true of what you’re feeling right now?”"Are you feeling anger towards anything or anyone?”
One side note. Sometimes people who grew up or have significant experiences in which they were not listened to or heard have developed a pattern of using extreme language. It’s a survival mechanism developed because without it they or their needs were ignored. Sometimes people are used to using extreme language so you hear the statement, “I’m just a strong communicator” or “I just use extreme language.”
That’s true – there’s a habit of communication there that might be at play, but I would point out that there’s an embedded anger there as well for anyone that has to go to such lengths to be heard and listened to. There’s an origin to the habit so just having a pattern of “being extreme or strong” in communication is not an excuse to pay attention to what’s going on in the core of your being.
Anger can be a healthy stop on the road to adulthood and taking responsibility for your life, but when it’s turned against people then it serves as a protection from dealing with significant hurts and wounds. If you’re leading people, pay attention to “angry words” so that you can invite people to honest responsibility for their lives and their maturity and serve them by helping guard them against the continued hardening of heart.
I love that verse, “Be angry, yet do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger” (Eph 4:26, NASB). It’s one of those things that 90% of Christians just ignore when they read it and pretend it’s not in the Bible, but it’s worth thinking about.
Do you see this at play in your life or in your context? What are other clues that give you windows into what’s going on in people’s hearts?
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