Have you thought about the “right” way to handle conflict in your relationships lately?I’ve been thinking about conflict in the midst of cross-cultural dynamics lately as I’ve been privy to hear some people processing through some of the ways they’ve struggled to find a voice in the midst of conflict and tension because their preferred communication styles or other values end up taking a back seat to majority culture norms – most notably direct communication and I’ll add open expression of anger and other negative emotions.There’s a well known conflict resolution book that really is very, very good. But in recent versions of the book it has one of the most foolish book endorsements on the back I’ve ever seen. Not only does it reveal significant cultural ignorance, but it betrays such narrow and limited thinking and perspective. Here’s the gist of the endorsement. “This book is an amazing treatment of this topic that draws out what the Scriptures have to say. Nothing else ever needs to be written about this topic now that we have this book!”It’s a great book. I agree with that. But it doesn’t involve thorough discussions about conflict and culture. Those dynamics alone merit dozens more if not hundreds more books.I was reminded of the significance of this in my own team recently as we navigated some tension and I would say conflict – even though perhaps all of us ultimately shared similar values on things, there were things that were set in motion that upset the apple cart a bit.One of those things was authority. Have you ever thought about how power influences conflict resolution?One of those things was direct versus indirect communication? People can talk about what’s “biblical” all day long, but when you look at people who are literally silenced by overly direct or maybe even blunt communication then you might have to rethink your assumptions. I’m in the direct and often blunt category and it’s a challenge to work through some of this. But the question I have to come back to is – do I want my own voice more or do I want to draw out other voices for the sake of community and unity?Another thing is emotion. I’ve been thinking about this because when there is injustice, I have the mentality of a middle linebacker. I am somewhat phlegmatic by nature so I’m not going to physically get wild, but I can get intense and have no problem expressing anger – whether it’s for myself or on behalf of others who may not be able to do it for themselves. I do believe someone has to give voice to the injustice and I’ve got no problem doing that. I’ll get much more angry for others than I would for myself. However – not all people are empowered by someone getting fired up and expressing that kind of honest or raw emotion, even when it’s in the realm of holy discontent. It doesn’t mean I should be silent, but if I care about community that there is dialogue to enter into. Rather than taking the posture of Elijah and start calling down fire from heaven, maybe I take a more calculated approach to giving a voice to what is being experienced.I’m comfortable being fired up. I actually like it. It’s part of my wiring to feel alive when I advocate and fight for others or even to just fight unethical uses of power in general. But I saw first hand what happened when I expressed the passion within me to some people on my team and it might have qualified as a stumbling block in some ways because the emotion carried with in some power even though I wasn’t angry with anyone on my team or in a bad space personally. My emotions paralyzed others because of the strength and intensity in which I shared them. It felt good to me to fight for others, but it set things in motion that silenced others and we had to work through what happened. I’m thinking, “Why aren’t you all getting fired up too!” But that wasn’t the way some of them are wired to engage the issues on table.Being part of community means submitting preferences and styles at times to make sure others are learning to have their own voice. I appreciate having a team that I get to work with that have the kind of people that value that and create space for dialogue even though many of us function in very different ways. That’s true community in my mind.But if you have a “take” on conflict resolution or on Matthew 18 and think it’s black and white or you think there’s nothing more that needs to be taught but the things that you have learned or grown to like, then you’re walking in a myopic wonderland….and chances are you’re marginalizing people in ways and unintentionally silencing others while you’re at it.What thought do you have on this area? Have you had experiences that have helped you learn how to navigate some of these differences when conflict is in the air?
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