Over the last few days I had a chance to read Henry Cloud and John Townsend’s How to Have That Difficult Conversation: Gaining the Skills for Honest and Meaningful Communication. This book formerly used to be called Boundaries: Face to Face but adjusted some things for a more practical application and marketing effort. And it’s a good move because this book is really about how to plan and prepare and execute plans in difficult conversations.
I have had this book for a while and wish I’d gone through it a long time ago. I found it very helpful. The focus on it isn’t as much conflict resolution and reconciliation, but more on how to be an adult and have grown up conversations.
There’s immense practical value in this book and I’m thinking about adding it to the interpersonal relationships class I teach as a supplement to the other resources and books I use that deal with the heart and theology of relationships.
The book has some great sections related to dealing with your own self first, making a plan to have a conversation, helpful ways to talk through difficult issues, and how to be prepared for immature or other difficult responses to speaking the truth in love. It provides a lot of “how to’s” that are needed because most people are paralyzed in these situations – part because of heart issues and part because of being overwhelmed by the lack of knowledge and ability. This book addresses the former in part but does a good job on the latter.
The examples are sometimes very clinical in nature or extreme, but they illustrate the principles well. One of the issues that is not addressed very clearly is the role of culture and context as most of the examples and contexts are Western and “white” for lack of a better word. But it doesn’t mean the principles don’t apply, but they may be harder for people of a non-white, western context to take in and envision for their lives. But I believe much of what is in the book is just as needed for the majority world and non-white communities and cultures.
The audio book is also good and pretty affordable, but it’s somewhat abridged. The e-book has additional examples and Scripture foundations throughout the book while the audio book is more focused on the core content. The e-book includes several appendix chapters that focus on specific relationships: marriage, dating, kids, parents, and work. These sections are like abridged versions of some of their other books like boundaries in marriage, boundaries in dating, boundaries, and others. But it’s a great compilation of insight and wisdom in these different relationships.
This is a needed resource for many, if not all of us and I recommend it. I’m reading through books in the similar genre related to conflict management and this has offered some of the best practical advice on all the emotional/developmental/adulthood dynamics that make or break whether a good conversation can take place where reconciliation is experienced and healthy relationships are built.
