Quick Review: Getting Past No

Another negotiating book I read recently is William Ury’s Getting Past No: Negotiating in Difficult Situations. This is an extension of Getting to Yes, but it focuses on an arena that Getting to Yes does not attend to in as much detail – the biggest obstacles to negotiation from an emotional standpoint and in terms of resistance.

The book treats emotional and resistance barriers more through the lens of substantive negotiation as opposed to offering a deep dive on the true impact of emotions. Another book I’m reading now that does that is Beyond Reason by Fisher and Shapiro, which I’ll review soon.  However, this is a helpful book related to developing strategies to find common ground for agreement in high difficult situations or negotiations where maybe there is significant resistance from one source or another.

The essential framework for this book is simplified into these key approaches when there is significant resistance to negotiation:

  1.  Reflect instead of react.  Exercise self-awareness and self-regulation so that emotions do not drive the negotiation.
  2. Agree instead of argue.  Don’t give in, but instead of arguing or increasing positional tension try agreeing with everything you can possibly agree with to help keep positive engagement with the real interests involved.
  3. Reframe instead of Reject. Don’t just throw out the other person’s position but try to explore the interests by reframing the issues in ways that allow for mutual problem-solving.
  4. Collaborate instead of Sell.  Don’t push your own agenda, but really work for mutual satisfaction and that interests are met on all sides.
  5. Create, don’t Escalate.  If things start breaking down, don’t escalate conflict but seek to find creative solutions to keep things focused on interests and generating possible solutions.

So the book is really an extension of Getting to Yes, but there are great stories about these things being implemented in real negotiations. But it’s helpful to think about these things BEFORE negotiation or conversations go bad.  It’s helpful to be prepared for how to handle negative resistance as we often don’t expect it and as a result, our response to it ends up being poor or reactive.

Of the above – they all have merit, but I think #3 is perhaps most crucial because I think it helps shape a mindset that allows you do to #4 and #5 better.  I think this book and other books don’t always include tons of cross-cultural reflection or insights, so that is an intriguing arena for further reflection. In some ways, I think Ury’s principles work well in Honor Shame and other contexts. Emotional self-regulation is key and having a more relational and community perspective is crucial.

I suggest googling some summaries as you can get the gist of this book in a few places on the web and you can even find some pdf’s of some older versions of the book for download.

 

Quick Review: 1 Peter Honor Shame Paraphrase

I’ve spent some time the last couple of weeks going through Jayson Georges’ paraphrase of 1 Peter, which includes some context and basic commentary. It’s primarily a paraphrase, translated to highlight in the language of the letter the honor-shame context and dynamics embedded in and around the letter.  This is what seems to be the beginning of a series as he has recently released a paraphrase of Esther as well.

Some might struggle if they don’t have the imagination or the creativity to utilize paraphrases in context. But this is a helpful exercise to draw near to the original context of the letter and the issues that people cared about and were most affected by.  1 Peter was a great letter to start with because the issues of suffering and persecution addressed.  These themes start to become a bit richer and clear through some of the honor-shame language.

I personally enjoyed some of the leadership/overseer sections of the letter as portrayed in the paraphrase, but the strength is really it’s clarity of the honored identity of Christ for those that see community and social relationships through this lens. It illustrates the contrast between what is honored in God’s Kingdom compared to what is honored in the world.

So – definitely worth checking it out if you want to challenge yourself with thinking about many in the ancient world viewed the issues of identity and persecution….and many people today as well.

 

Quick Review: The Coaching Habit

As I continue to read various things on coaching, I read Michael Bungay Stanier’s The Coaching Habit: Say Less, Ask More & Change the Way You Lead Forever.  The book is a fairly concise toolkit for coaching conversations along with helpful insights as to why coaching is the most effective way to come alongside others.

At the heart of the book are 7 questions that can provide a basic questions roadmap to a lot o coaching conversations. Here they are…

Stanier’s Seven Essential Coaching Questions:

  1. “What’s on your mind?” (The Kickstart Question)
  2. “And what else? (The AWE Question)
  3. “What’s the real challenge here for you?” (The Focus Question)
  4. “What do you want?” (The Foundation Question)
  5. “How can I help?” (The Lazy Question)
  6. “If you’re saying yes to this, what are you saying no to?” (The Strategic Question)
  7. “What was most useful to you about this conversation?” (The Learning Question)

The key for all of these questions is the coach exercising self-control and not offering advice to short-circuit the learning by discovery Stanier calls it taming the advice monster.

There was a helpful chapter here talking about the dynamics of “helping” that was helpful. He demonstrates through his “Drama Triangle” how there are 3 typical roles people find themselves in – victim, perpetrator, and rescuer. All of these work against adulthood and flourishing. Questions like the above questions help pull people out of any of those 3 roles they might be in and push them towards responsibility.

This was definitely worth the money as there’s great nuggets throughout and it’s overly heady or verbose. It’s practical wisdom and insight that can really help someone become a better coach, leader, or supervisor. I recommend it if you haven’t done read much on coaching.

 

Quick Review: Teammate

I recently finished David Ross’s book Teammate. This is another of my 2016 Cubs World Series nostalgia right of passage books.  This is how I coped with the Cubs exit from the playoffs this year in less than spectacular fashion.

I wasn’t a huge David Ross celebrity guy. I never really got why he was on Dancing with the Stars or received some of the other publicity that he got, but I did appreciate his role on the Cubs as a model teammate and leader. And that’s why I liked this book.  It’s a good baseball book full of anecdotes about players from today’s game and in year’s past.  There are good reflections on what makes a good leader and teammate from a practical standpoint, but mostly I just liked the stories.

The book alternates between Ross’s own journey as a person and ballplayer with many of the lesson’s learned from other players and coaches with a narrative of the World Series games, culminating with the Epic Game 7. There’s great humor and insight about the best year of baseball for my favorite team and great peer insights about the other guys on the team. I loved hearing perspectives on different Cubs players from a teammate as opposed to reporters.

So this was a fun book, perhaps a guilty pleasure. I will read it again not because it’s the best book of all time but because it covers a special season of my sports fandom and life in a unique and instructive way.  I liked the teammate angle – where it’s more about being a good teammate, lead by example person, than it is about presenting x number of steps for leadership.

It was good for the soul too to remember how awesome things were a year ago and how thankful I am to have a  Cubs team that is consistently good after years of garbage.

 

Quick Review: Getting to Yes

I’m doing a lot of reading and research related to negotiation right now for a class and one of the key books that started the contemporary discussion related to negotiation is Fisher and Ury’s Getting To YES: Negotiating Agreement Without Giving In.

For a long time I hated the idea of negotiation because I equated it with positional bargaining, which often is just a prelude to conflict. While I like engaging in ideas and discussion, I’ve always hated debate and hated positional confrontations because of how much stress it generates for me. I hate both sports and political shows where people just yell and debate. And in general – I hate bargaining too and I’m the type of person that if I tried to bargain at a store I’ll end up paying more than my starting price. Anyway – that’s what I’ve equated with the discussion of negotiation.

But – it was a game changer to begin seeing negotiation’s role in the bigger picture discussion of conflict and it’s one of the best insights I’ve gained from the PhD program I’m in right now – that a lot of conflicts never happen if people learn to negotiate well both relationally and in terms of the substantive issues that may be involved. This book is one of the first that tries to get outside of the positional bargaining box and into what we often know now as “win-win” negotiation. So the book covers positional bargaining, “win-win” or integrative bargaining, and aspects of negotiation related to dealing with difficult people and some of the nuts and bolts of a general negotiation discussion.

There’s a lot more that goes into navigating workplace negotiation and there’s perhaps even more that is required for interpersonal or social negotiation amidst polarizing diversity and social conflicts.  This is what I’m exploring in the negotiation realm. This book covers a lot of ground and is a classic in the field if you’re looking to dip your foot in the waters of negotiation.

 

Quick Review: Coaching In Ministry

I wanted to pass on a quick and easy resource that was helpful. Keith Webb is one of the big names in Christian coaching and Coaching in Ministry is a short apologetic for coaching’s role in ministry and Christian leadership.

The central notion of this book and overall approach is captured in Webb’s statement that he believes that coaching is the missing ingredient in leadership development. I would probably agree with him and that’s part of why I’m starting to read a lot more and practice a more coaching approach.

The coaching industry has been a growing one that is focused on helping individuals discover next steps for themselves towards results and success instead of “telling” people solutions which don’t translate to ownership and transformation. Research overwhelmingly validates that coaching for discovery is an important and strategic approach to seeing changed lives.

This book is not very long, but he does introduce a few of the questions he has found to be most powerful, including the implementation question, “What could you to help yourself move forward in this area?”  Questions like these allow someone to think, internalize, and own the solution. It’s a higher order approach and it translates to “less work” according to Webb since leaders can use questions to stop solving problems they shouldn’t be solving for others, but to keep the responsibility on the shoulders they belong to.

I’ll post a few more books in the coming weeks related to coaching. This one is typically 99 cents on amazon and only about 80 low stress pages to read. You can probably do it in 2 hours. Webb has another book called The COACH model which I hope to get to soon that is the full treatment of his approach to coaching.

 

Quick Review: The Skin You Live In

 

A book that I wanted to offer a brief review of that I’ve read recently is Dr. David D. Ireland’s The Skin You Live In: Building Friendship Across Cultural Lines.

The author hides his own ethnicity until the end of the book to avoid any potential reader bias, which I found interesting. I did not know the author’s background until the end and at many points I found myself wondering.  But that choice does allow one to engage the content of the book without any potential bias against the content and where it’s coming from.

Diversity efforts are occurring everywhere. This is a helpful and somewhat brief treatment on how to take steps from cultural isolation towards cross-race relationships.  There’s a lot of helpful insights throughout the book – particularly related to ethnicity and identity. There are prophetic challenges to both majority culture folks as well as ethnic minority folks who can find their identity in their ethnicity or their political-social situation. From a Christian perspective – both sides of this divide are challenged related to fundamental identity and to live out a God-given identity to reconcile and bridge difference through meaningful relationships.

A part of the purpose of this book is trying to help provide a roadmap to what he calls being “racially attractive.” By that term, he means someone who can form meaningful relationships across racial or ethnic difference.  From the author’s own doctoral research he asked people who were consistently living life with these types of relationships about what makes them “racially attractive.” Here are the responses:

  1. Offer hospitality.
  2. Be free to laugh and joke.
  3. Go on social outings.
  4. Engage in vulnerable conversations.
  5. Have cross-race friends.
  6. Seek mutually rewarding outcomes.
  7. Demonstrate comfort in the friendship.
  8. Practice honesty in the relationship.     (pg. 71)

This list was interesting to me and links to several other models, but noticeably Andy Crouch’s matrix in Strong and Weak.  I’m currently reading and researching a lot related to multi-ethnic negotiation and there are some connection points here as well.

This book is written primarily with the U.S. ethnic context in mind, but it was interesting to read this through the international lens as well as much of the suggestions about building relationships are just as relevant here in Asia as elsewhere, maybe they are even more crucial here because of the weight of relationship and community in collectivist cultures.

Many people today, despite increased political polarization, do want to experience diversity and cross-cultural relationships even if there is systemic racism and hidden personal racism that prevents those desires to be realized. It always starts with identity and relationships and this is a helpful resource for people on the journey. There’s other helpful sections related to cross-cultural forgiveness, advocacy and other aspects of diverse community so it’s definitely worth reading if this is an area of development for you.

Quick Review: Shaping Your Family Story

Over the last few weeks, I read “Shaping Your Family Story” by David Welday III and Dr. James Coffield.  My wife and I wanted to read this book after getting acquainted with Dr. Coffield this summer at a training we attended.  He presented on some of the principles that are in this book and overall we really benefitted from our exposure to him. So we wanted to read the book.

Here is the main framework that makes this book unique compared to some other family leadership books out there. They offer 6 principles for shaping a good family story (chapter 2)  (18-23)

They offer 6 principles for shaping a good family story (pp. 18-23)

  1. Create High Emotional Warmth
  2. Have Low and Productive Conflict
  3. Have High Fun
  4. Have High Purpose or Theme
  5. Answer the Right Question  (i.e. “Am I loved?”)
  6. Parent Consistently

This summer Dr. Coffield primarily used the 1st four as an assessment of sorts for really any kind of relationship or community-based situation:  marriage, family, and even teams and larger communities. And that’s the biggest thing that has stuck with us – evaluating our relationships and community commitments through the lens of those 4 categories. From a parent standpoint, 5 & 6 are great and important as well and I think they also apply to leadership as well.

From a parent standpoint, 5 & 6 are great and important as well and I think they also apply to leadership as well. So I believe all 6 categories are a good diagnostic for any relationship or community, but the 1st four provide for a very easy assessment.

Is there high warmth?

Is there low/productive conflict?

Is there high fun?

Is there high purpose?

I think most of us have experienced environments that have been heavy on 1 or 2 of these or where 1 or 2 was completely lacking. I find that these have really helped me develop some simple and practical solutions and next steps whether it relates to marriage, family, or team leadership.

What do you think? Do you think these questions cover the essence of what contributes to a safe and healthy relational environment?

This is not the first go to marriage or family book I would recommend, but I enjoyed it and there was a lot of great insights and nuggets in there – particularly on discipline and the importance of consistency (#6 above).  It was a simple and practical book so it’s very accessible.

 

Quick Review: The Cubs Way

So as the 2017 MLB playoffs are just underway, what better way for a brief review on one of my favorite reading experiences of 2017 – The Cubs Way by Tom Verducci.

This book was like a drug for me. Re-living the 2016 Cubs championship season and World Series run was plain awesome. Doing that while getting a healthy dose of organizational change philosophy and culture shaping nuggets add up to a combination that was like a drug.  I loved this book – but I’m a Cub fan so I’m biased. But seriously – this was like a book version of one of those “snuggie” blankets from TV back in the day.

I would have liked more coverage of the NLDS series against the Giants and of the NLCS against the Dodgers, but the coverage of the World Series, as well as the accounts and storytelling of how the culture was shaped by new leadership and how each significant piece of the team was acquired, were excellent.  I loved the chapters on Kyle Schwarber, Anthony Rizzo, Javy Baez, and Kyle Hendricks among others. So much good stuff!

There are tremendous accounts of how the organizational leadership worked to change the culture – one of the most significant components involved a detailed manual about what the Cubs were going to be about called “The Cubs Way” and the implementation of personal development plans and face to face development conversations about those plans before the season.  Loved so much also the commitment of the organization to recruit and identify talent that has the character to take responsibility for weaknesses and areas of growth.  The other component from a leadership standpoint relates to Joe Maddon’s approach to leading the team as the manager. A lot of good stuff and nuggets.

This may become an annual read for me as I continue to live in the glow of the Cubs winning the World Series. I don’t know what 2017 or beyond holds – but 2016 was a dream and I cannot get enough of it.

 

Leadership Formation & Development Within Systems and Organizations